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I have returned from two wonderful weeks in Italy. I planned to gain five pounds on that trip – injuring my physician-mandated quest to lose approximately the weight of your typical 8-year-old. I was off by only 10%; I gained 5.5 lbs. I am once again on the program to shed poundage. My goal is 24 lbs. less than my weight this morning. Onward!

I’ve been trying to catch up on events in the sporting world since I never saw a sports page in all the time I was in Italy and the sports coverage on CNN World News redefines the word, "sparse." But before I take up some of those items, I must begin with an apology. Before I left, I noted that Jerry West had been named to chair a committee to select the next US Olympic basketball team. I said at the time that I would be more confident in the team if West did all the scouting/selecting and the other committee members just sat on their hands. I did not know the composition of the committee at that time and jumped to the erroneous conclusion that USA Basketball would appoint a committee of functionaries, cronies and professional meeting-attendees to assist Jerry West. I apologize to that committee now that I know that its membership will include inter alia Michael Jordan, Larry Bird, Magic Johnson, Larry Brown, John Thompson, Chuck Daly, Dean Smith, Bob Knight, Ernie Grunfeld, Bill Russell and Oscar Robertson. This is not a committee of know-nothings; these are folks who know a whole lot about the game of basketball. I applaud Basketball USA for making such selections; I had no idea they were that insightful.

By the way, you do know the definition of a committee, don’t you?

A committee is an organization that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

Mike Tyson actually lost to the tomato can they found for him to fight. According to George Solomon – former sports editor of the Washington Post who now writes a Sunday column there – Tyson looked good for five rounds and then tired. I‘ll say he tired; he failed to answer the bell for the seventh round! Tyson says he is now retired from boxing; don’t believe it. He desperately needs money and he has no other way to earn the kind of money he needs to pay off Uncle Sam and live any kind of lifestyle that does not involve residing in a refrigerator box under an overpass somewhere. He may indeed intend to do Muslim missionary work in Rwanda as he said he would, but that will not consume the rest of his life – unless of course he is in Rwanda and gets into a dispute with a lion. In that scenario, the lion would consume the rest of Tyson’s life…

Tyson said that he did not want to "disrespect the sport I love"; and therefore, was retiring from boxing. Unless my brain is totally addled, this is the man who bit off part of Evander Holyfield’s ear and who stated that he wanted to eat another opponent’s children (I think it was Lennox Lewis’ children, but I’m not sure).

Memo to Mike Tyson: You have already disrespected the sport. Your retirement will not expunge that stain.

I noticed that Laila Ali fought on the undercard of the Tyson/McBride fight. Maybe when Tyson makes his return to the ring – after whatever interval passes so that most people can forget his retirement statements – perhaps they could put together a card where he fights on the undercard for Laila Ali. Forced to watch either of them fight, I’d rather watch Ms. Ali than Mike Tyson.

The NBA and the NBA Players Association have reached an agreement to avoid a lockout. Since most if not all NBA teams operate in the black and since there is no place in this solar system where NBA players can go to earn even 25% of the salaries they are guaranteed in NBA deals, this agreement is actually a tip of the cap to pragmatism on both sides. Perhaps, both sides in this negotiation took a glance over their shoulders at the still rotting mess that represents the NHL and its negotiations. The NBA owners and players would have to have IQs lower than Paris Hilton’s décolletage not to realize that sports fans are faring quite well without the NHL and would adapt to the absence of the NBA just as easily.

The NCAA Thought Police and Political Correctness folks will hold a meeting in the next few weeks focusing on the insensitive and offensive use of American Indian symbols and names for collegiate teams. Schools with such horrid practices have been told to explain themselves to the NCAA Thought Police and presumably, they have. In addition, some Native American groups have also chimed in:

The Saginaw Chippewa Indian Tribe endorsed the name "Chippewas" as the nickname for Central Michigan University.

The Chief of the Nansemond Tribe was asked about William and Mary’s nickname as the Tribe. Said the Chief, "If it’s done in the right manner, I don’t have a problem with it."

The Chief of the Lumbee Indian Tribe sent a letter to the NCAA regarding the UNC-Pembroke Braves saying, "We don’t have to have you tell us what’s offensive."

The Tribal Council of the Seminole Indians in Florida voted unanimously to endorse the name of the Florida State Seminoles.

So let me say this as explicitly as I can. The NCAA Thought Police are neither well-meaning advocates for minorities nor are they merely idealists seeking a utopian world. They are actually – and probably unknowingly – racists at heart. Their actions indicate that they know better what is best for these Native Americans and that they will use their superior knowledge and power and whatever to change things for these folks – even if these folks don’t want it changed and don’t realize how offensive these names/symbols ought to be to them. The Thought Police want to influence the way you think and they want to influence the way Native Americans think about themselves. Sadly, they want all of us to think the way they do.

Memo to the NCAA Thought Police: The most offensive portion of this entire issue is your arrogant assertion that only your view of the world is worthy of respect.

College football will begin in about 8 weeks so it is probably not too early to issue a high wind alert to college football fans. ESPN has hired Lou Holtz to be a studio analyst this year. Holtz is an interesting man with insight and a sense of humor; he is also someone who can take three paragraphs to tell you that it’s raining. If they pair this guy with Beano Cook, you could set up a wind farm and generate enough electricity to power Altoona for weeks on end.

Finally, Tom Fitzgerald’s syndicated column Open Season used this line from Bob Molinaro of the Norfolk Virginia-Pilot:

"In the last couple years, Jason Giambi has been the biggest baseball bust since Morganna’s."

But don’t get me wrong, I love sports…


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