Applause poured from the speakers. I assumed this was the State of the Union address, because it usually has more pandering, clap-inducing moments than a Jerry Bruckheimer film.

Upon hearing what the President was saying, I determined that it couldn't have been the State of the Union. With a country threatened by international terrorists, a war raging on two fronts in the Middle East, an economy that seems allergic to new jobs, and that fast-approaching manned mission to Mars, would the Leader of the Free World actually address the following topic in his most important speech of the year:

“The use of performance-enhancing drugs like steroids in baseball, football and other sports is dangerous and it sends the wrong message: that there are shortcuts to accomplishment and that performance is more important than character. So tonight I call on team owners, union representatives, coaches and players to take the lead, to send the right signal, to get tough and to get rid of steroids now.”

Huh?

Is this what passes for a "state of the union" issue these days? Steroids in baseball?

Did the President run out of time before getting a chance to comment on the Atkins diet or the new cast of The Real World?

If reelected, will he appoint a special federal commission to study the ramifications of the designated hitter rule on the youth of America? (If so, I'd nominate Kerry Wood and Mike Hampton as consultants.)

I understand steroid abuse is a serious issue. I too saw that HBO "Lifestories: Families in Crisis" special with Ben Affleck. He started popping pills and got really, really angry at the ones he loved. Although not as angry as anyone who paid to see Gigli.

But hearing the President of the United States mention ‘roids in the same hour with "the once all-powerful ruler of Iraq was found in a hole and now sits in a prison cell" and "the momentum of freedom in our world is unmistakable," one could reasonably assume he had lost his mind...if Howard Dean hadn't set the bar for insanity to Yao Ming levels 24 hours earlier. (What the hell was with that cackling scream at Howie's post-caucus rally? I haven't heard a girlish yelp like that since KGB sacked Kordell Stewart in Week 14.)

All that being said, the President's "anabolic amendment" is apparently now policy, because you never hear anything in a State of the Union address that doesn't turn out to be true.

Here's the question: Is George W. Bush the right man to shepherd this issue to a positive outcome? What sort of credentials does he have to lead this fight?

In other words, should we entrust the task of cleaning up steroid-abusing athletes--who are such moral compasses for our children, after all--to a man that once traded for Jose Canseco?

Bush, of course, co-owned the Texas Rangers from 1989 until he was elected to his first term as governor of the state in 1994.

In 1992, Bush's Rangers traded fan favorite Ruben Sierra, Bobby Witt and Jeff Russell to Oakland for Canseco, who had hit over 30 home runs in five of his first six full seasons--a feat Ken Griffey, Jr. and Darryl Strawberry couldn’t claim, but curiously Canseco’s lifting buddy Mark McGwire could.

Two years ago, Canseco revealed the myth behind the muscle: He reportedly admitted to prospective publishers of his book that he took steroids in pill form and through injections during his career.

This week, Bush called on “team owners” to “get tough and to get rid of steroids now.”

Just over a decade ago, the team he owned was more than willing to trade three players and pay $5 million for the Anabolic Athletic.

What can the President do? Claim ignorance? Although Bush was recently called a "blind man in a room full of deaf people" by former treasury secretary Paul O'Neill, even he should have seen Canseco's biceps back in '92.

The fact is that if Bush had been judged by his actions as co-owner of the Texas Rangers, he might not be in the Oval Office today.

Take a look at Bush, The Owner on:

Trade: Harold Baines and Fred Manrique from the White Sox for Wilson Alvarez, Scott Fletcher and Sammy Sosa on July 29, 1989? And we let this guy handle the FTC? Bush was quoted as saying this was the "biggest mistake of his adulthood," although that was before the "Mission Accomplished" banner...

Taxes: After threatening to move the team out of Arlington, Rangers ownership gets $135 million for a new stadium thanks to a voter-approved sales tax hike. As reported by TomPaine.com, team owners promised they would put up $50 million of their own money towards the stadium project; they raised "a hefty portion" of that sum through a one-dollar surcharge on the voters' Rangers tickets.

Competitive Wages for Minorities: In 1989, Rangers shortstop Scott Fletcher hit .239 with 22 RBI. He made $1.2 million. In the same season, outfield Ruben Sierra hit .306 with 119 RBI. He made $350,000, according to Baseball-Reference.com.

In 1992, shortstop Dickie Thon hit four home runs with 37 RBI and earned $600,000. In the same season, Juan Gonzalez hit 43 home runs with 109 RBI, and made $287,500. Luckily for Bush, there was only a "Players Union" and not an "Underpaid Latino Outfielders Union” as well…

But let's not be too hard on the guy: Although they never made the postseason during his time as co-owner, the Bush Rangers did have four winning seasons. The current state of the franchise isn’t his fault. It’s not like Bush is the one who spent the gross national product of Cameroon on one player, and then spent the duration of that player’s contract trying to trade the dude to Boston.

However…having the same person whose team traded for Jose "The Roid Ranger" Canseco now championing federal policy to snuff out steroids in sports?

Isn't that like having a candidate who slammed the notion of “nation building” now championing a reconstruction effort in a country he unilaterally attacked?

On second thought...

I had already written the Bush piece before hearing the news that the New Jersey Nets--my New Jersey Nets--were sold to Bruce Ratner, who wants to move the team to Brooklyn.

The fact that my father, the reason I’m a Nets fan, celebrated his 57th birthday on the same day the team raised its collective middle finger to the Garden State made this ordeal a little more difficult than it should have been.

The bright side? At least they’re not moving to Las Vegas, or Nashville, or D.C…all places that can use a professional basketball team.

At least they are staying in the N.Y. Metro area, so in a way, I might be able to still support them.

Two things:

1. This deal will never go through. The construction of this arena complex in Brooklyn is going to meet financial and community opposition. It already has. Then there’s the fact that the Knicks, like a collective Peter Angelos, could veto the move to New York by rallying other NBA teams to vote against approval. The obstacles in the way of this relocation are formidable to say the least.

2. Is this going to be any better than New Jersey? No, the Nets are not supported the way they should be right now. Blame the arena, not the fans. But a move to Brooklyn, which could come in 2009, will be after five lame duck, 3,000 fans-a-night seasons in NJ. And it will come post-Kidd, post-Kenyon, and perhaps even post-contention. Meanwhile, the Knicks will have righted the ship, and the Brooklyn Whatevers (NJ claims it will keep the name “Nets”) will be the L.A. Clippers of the Big Apple.

A lot of people have been writing me, asking what this all means for the Devils (the team I live and die for, in case you didn’t know). Honestly, not much. I think the state will fight to keep its last remaining professional franchise, which actually has outdrawn the Nets over the last few seasons. If an arena in Newark, Hoboken or even a renovated one in East Rutherford is going to be built, the Devils will be necessary to keep as its tenant. An arena in any of those cases also means community revitalization projects, with the arena as the centerpiece.

Hopefully, the Devils stick around, and the state shows more loyalty to them than it did the Nets.

And vice versa…

Keyshawn Johnson was mugged at gunpoint this week. No word if his assailant said, “Just Give Me The Damn Money and Jewelry”…

The Arizona Cardinals announced they will not raise ticket prices after hiring new coach Dennis Green, ending months of speculation that Cardinals tickets did not actually have a palpable monetary value…

Reliever Jesse Orosco has finally retired from Major League Baseball. He will be remembered for pitching the final out of the 1986 World Series, and as one of the only people to have played for nine different teams and to have been present when fire was discovered…

The Salvation Army will receive $1.5 billion from the estate of Joan Kroc, the late widow of the founder of the McDonald's. The donation will pay for 35 new centers for the public, although that number could double in size for 39-cents more…

New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady was a guest of the President at the State of the Union address.

In a related story, Drew Bledsoe watched some old episodes of “ALF” at Bob Dole’s house on Tuesday night…

At this point, could the Raiders find a way to get Walter Payton on their sideline, let alone Sean Payton?

Forward Darius Miles was traded by Cleveland to the Portland Trailblazers this week.

So in other words, he went from LeBron to TheBong?

Finally, I think it’s time we all answer this question for ourselves:

Would you allow a Philadelphia Eagles wide receiver hold your newborn child?

“YAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

Published on the web since 1997, “The Jester’s Quart” is a weekly satirical look at sports, pop culture and why NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman is a jackass. Columnist Greg Wyshynski is the Features Editor for SportsFan Magazine in Washington DC, and the Senior Sports Editor for The Connection Newspapers of Northern Virginia. Email Wyshynski at greg@sportsfanmagazine.com