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| Sports Briefs: Smile For Me, Manny! |
By Christopher Wilson
Thursday, April 05, 2007 |
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In what can only be described as subject content rivaling an ABC "After School Special," random Texas school districts recently announced a ban on mouth jewelry.
Not that I am one to call into question the wording of a rule, but because the walls have ears (and potentially have unadorned mouths that could use jewelry), I feel obligated to declare shenanigans. The state of Texas does not smile upon such wrongdoers.
Along with trying to smuggle grillz into their mouths, students will now be challenged to try and smuggle braces, football mouth pieces, false teeth, choppers, dentures and rubber vampire teeth in their backpacks to school each day. Imagine Mrs. Shields' class from "A Christmas Story" all wishing her a good morning, each of them wearing a set of 2" wooden teeth.
"We want to instill in them a sense of modesty and a sense of community," said school board trustee Gloria Pena. "We're preparing them for the work force, and in the work force there are rules."
And the Tang characters (who are lips and mouths with arms and legs) had better be thankful they do not require an education; any clothing they wear would technically be considered mouth jewelry, seeing as how they are nothing but mouths.
Shortly after the announcement, stock in grillz rose slightly slower than Coke's stock would rise if it were discovered the soft drink cured canker sores. School district administrators are still trying to decipher if there is a link between creating new rules and an increase in the percentage of scholars wanting to break said rule, solely because it is a rule.
Never one to miss an investment opportunity, Boston Red Sox outfielder Manny Ramirez decided to cash in on the ban by auctioning his used grill on eBay last month.
"Smile for me, Manny. Whatcha auctionin' off?"
"My grill, my-my my grill."
"Clean all the spit off and send me your grill!"
Unfortunately, no one alerted Manny that the prohibited grillz in Texas were, in fact, mouth jewelry, as opposed to an appliance used to cook steak.
Ramirez' grill, which he advertised as a Jenn-Air he originally purchased for $4,000, was accompanied by an autographed baseball. Ramirez hoped to earn enough yen to allow him to purchase a first class, round-trip ticket to the Dominican Republic, which he planned to take during the pennant drive this September.
Unfortunately, as the price arose to $99,999,999, Ramirez admitted to the media that the grill was not his and belonged to someone else. After contemplating blaming either Mark Sweeney, Miguel Tejada or the devil, Ramirez declared, "Me no hablo Ingles."
Moments later, eBay chose to remove the auction, because they can. Obviously, eBay did not want to be responsible for a pyrooter in Texas trying to smuggle that grill in their backpack to school.
-SFM-
Christopher Wilson has been a syndicated sports humor columnist since 2002 and is the author of the book "Sports Briefs." His weekly column can be read each week on this site. You may write to him at sportsbriefs@hotmail.com, or visit his official Web site at www.MyBriefs.com to buy signed copies of his book and see pictures of giant underwear.
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